Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My liver just had a heart attack.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
