I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize