Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
