He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You need Xanax blowdarts
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
