dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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