if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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