I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
