so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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