She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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