Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I need a beard to bite.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
