OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
