You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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