it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
