6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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