I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Michael Bay diarrhea
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize