I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
