I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
