I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
