maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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