Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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