my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
