sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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