her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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