I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
