I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
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