As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
