masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
