you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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