My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
