I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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