She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
