Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
