Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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