Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
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