Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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