this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
