saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
