please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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