Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
