2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
