i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
