you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize