Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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