Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
