im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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