Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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