Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
