She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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