I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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