I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
