margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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