If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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