Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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