Yo dont text me then not text me
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
