Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
im six kinds of drunk right now
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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