she looked like the bat from fern gully.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
