I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Randomize
