P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
