We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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