my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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