We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
