She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
