this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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