woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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