This girl is more easily done than said...
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
